


The Deepest of Needs

by deandratb



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-03 15:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6616645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandratb/pseuds/deandratb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His proposal is a failure, his job is only getting harder. At least his best friend isn't going anywhere. Begins the night after “7A WF 83429.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strange How I Know Inside You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [broken_hearted_bard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_hearted_bard/gifts).



> My very first AU fic, giving broken-hearted Toby a happy ending. A birthday gift. <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do you go when you're blue? _She could have told him his proposal was doomed; she could have tried to talk him out of it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 of the [broken_hearted_bard](http://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_hearted_bard) birthday week celebration! Enjoy.

CJ goes to him; he’ll never come to her. Not while the pain is still an open wound…not while Toby keeps it that way in order to be a father. 

Despite their long relationship, trying to talk to him about the really difficult things is still like pulling teeth. _Heaven forbid he open up and offer anything unprompted._ She knows why he makes it so hard, she knows all about his life before her, but that’s not much comfort at the moment.

Unsurprised that he’s left it unlocked, CJ lets herself in the front door. _Good neighborhood, low crime rate. No real interest in protecting himself when he’s already in pain._

Toby’s sitting next to the fireplace, enveloped by shadows. He glances at her when she enters, then goes back to focusing on his hands. 

“How’d you find me?” 

“Josh told me where the house was.”

“Wish he hadn’t.” 

He has his father’s hands. He didn’t realize it until he was holding his own son; now it’s all he can see. Those are Jules Ziegler’s hands right there, where his used to be. _What else did he inherit without noticing?_

CJ expected to find him drowning his sorrow in expensive scotch. The fact that he’s just sitting in the dark brooding is a bad sign; luckily, she brought emergency alcohol of her own.

“Here.” She passes him the bottle and he frowns at her. 

“You know this is crap, right? It’s like drinking rubbing alcohol.”

She raises an eyebrow and lowers herself to the floor, sitting with her arm resting against his. “And you would know that how?”

He shakes his head, falling back into silence.

“What happened?” She’s gentle now, despite the certainty that he’ll jab back. Toby’s a wounded animal at this point, and she has to find the source of the problem. _He never bites that hard, really._

“You mean besides the President’s daughter getting kidnapped, Republicans taking over the government, and a Secret Service agent getting killed when she was barely old enough to vote? What could have possibly happened?”

CJ ignores his words, and his tone, and waits while he takes another swallow of terrible vodka. Then she leans over and presses her lips to his cheek.

He holds still, letting her, continuing to say nothing.

“You brought Andy here, right?”

“Yep.” He gestures in agreement with the open bottle.

“And?”

“And she’s not here now, is she?”

She studies his face. Despite being incredibly guarded, Toby’s actually not hard to read. At least, not for her. His eyes are remarkably expressive.

“You proposed.”

Toby nods. That’s all she needs.

“Oh, Toby.” CJ sighs and slings her arm over his shoulder. “She didn’t decline gently, did she?”

“When has Andrea ever done anything gently?” His fond smile crumples in on itself, and then she’s tugging him closer, knowing he’ll be more comfortable if she can’t look at him while he cries.

“What did she say?”

“She said no.” His voice is soft and quiet when he’s broken, when he's sad. This is the Toby she knew when her mother died, who tried to talk her down from the worst of it.

“I know that part.” She stares at the clean, bright walls of his new house, at the trees shivering outside the windows. It’s a really lovely place, she thinks, as she listens to him calm his ragged breathing. “What else?”

“Hmm?” He sits up and swipes at his face, looking anywhere but at her. 

CJ pokes him in the arm. “What else happened? The twins are healthy and beautiful, Andy’s recovering okay. Your job wouldn’t have you here, like this. Using my amazing powers of deduction, I have concluded that it must be about when you brought her here and proposed.”

She turns just enough to face him, her eyes kind. “I’ve known Andy almost as long as I’ve known you, Toby. She was about to go into labor, you proposed, and she wasn’t interested. I can guess what happened next, but you’ll feel better if you tell me.”

He smiles at her, just a little. “Doubt it.”

“Trust me.”

Handing her the bottle, he huffs out a breath and slumps back against the wall. “She said no. I…I pressed her for an explanation, wanted to understand. She still loves me,” he adds, sorrow twined with confusion in his voice. 

CJ listens sympathetically, keeping her thoughts to herself. _She could have told him his proposal was doomed; she could have tried to talk him out of it. He wouldn't have listened. He never does, about Andy. They're firsthand evidence that love cannot conquer all._

“I know that she does, and it’s not like I just wanted to be married for the twins. I really thought…well, anyway. She said no. And then she explained why.”

“Okay…”

“Can we not get into this right now? I don’t–I need to be able to be the Communications Director in a few hours.”

Recognizing a wall she can’t push through with stubborn love and alcohol, CJ acquiesces and moves on. _For now._

"Okay, mi amor. Let’s go. You’re coming home with me.”

His halfhearted sarcasm is proof that he’s feeling a little better already. “Thanks a lot, CJ, but I’m not in the mood to-”

She smacks him on the arm. “Shut up. You know what I meant. You need sleep, and if I leave you here you’ll spend the whole night sulking and staring into the void.”

“I don’t sulk.” He ignores the part about the void; he can’t argue against it.

CJ stands, tugging on his arm so that he follows. Toby may want to wallow alone and spend a few more hours beating himself up, but he’ll let her try to help. It’s an act of love on his part, just as the trying is for her.

And whatever else there is between them, the love never wavers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary quoted from "When the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams.


	2. Strange How You Fit Into Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laughing with your lover's tongue... _She wants to give him something more, instead of just taking the pain away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 of the broken_hearted_bard birthday week celebration! We're now officially veering towards AU territory. Next chapter it really gets going. ;)

The next time she broaches the subject, it’s a few weeks later, and he brings the wine to her place. She’s three glasses in before she finally says what she’s been worried about ever since the twins were born.

“It’s not going to be easy,” she ventures after he mentions an argument with Andy about the _bris._ “This is only the beginning, now that she’s their custodial parent. You need to be ready.” 

“Andy wouldn’t try to keep me from the twins. She’s not like that.”

CJ sighs. “You’ve never been able to see her for who she is, not fully. Or her, you. That’s why all of this happened in the first place.”

“And you?”

She looks away. “I see you. I always have.”

Instead of latching onto the meaning within her statement, making more of it than she wants it to be, he just looks at her. The silence stretches out while she stares at the prints hanging on her wall--until he breaks it.

“Do you think I’m sad?”

“What?”

“You’re right. You know me really well. Better than anyone who’s not related to me...probably even better than those who are. So, do you think I’m sad?”

She frowns. “In this particular moment? Or as a person, in general?”

“The latter.”

After thinking it over, CJ shakes her head slowly. She is careful with what she says next. Except for under incredible circumstances-- _degenerative-illness-incredible, and even then it’s breaking the rules_ \--they do not lie to each other.

“No, I don’t think you’re sad. Cynical, yes,” she tells him with a smile. “Depressed, sure, but who doesn’t have those moments?”

He nods, watching her. Waiting for whatever she’s tiptoeing around.

“But I do think...you **were** sad.” She looks at him apologetically. “You were sad, with Andy.”

“So, she was right.”

“I knew it,” CJ mutters under her breath. “What did she say, Toby?”

“That I’m sad, and cold, and angry...I don’t trust anyone.”

“She’s wrong.”

“Is she? I’m not so sure.”

CJ takes his hand, holds it until he looks at her. “She’s wrong.”

Toby nods, his smile more tragic than not-smiling would be. She lets go of his hand to frame his face with her fingers. “You’re not cold. You’re angry sometimes, but not irrationally so. And you trust **me**.”

Once she knows he’s heard her, she lets go. “You just couldn’t be who she wanted you to be. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.” 

When she kisses him, it’s to comfort; when it deepens, it’s nothing new. Physical intimacy is easier for them. They’ve had years of practice.

“Why are you so tall?” His murmured question against her neck is half-joke, half-reverence--a callback to when they were younger and still learning how to fit. It makes her smile. She slides his jacket off, knowing that he doesn’t expect a reply. 

Her hands are gentle, his less so. Oddly, he’s the more fragile of the two of them, and CJ is always careful...while on her, he leaves marks. 

Toby is so entrenched inside his own head, every moment of every day, that she loves making him forget where he is and why he was sad. Usually they’re frantic and a little sloppy, fueled by late nights of desperation and fatigue, but this is different.

CJ doesn’t just want to wash away his day--she wants to erase the doubts he’s adding to that chip on his shoulder that gets heavier with every passing year. She wants to give him something more, instead of just taking the pain away. 

That is not their relationship; _they learned years ago they couldn’t sustain that kind of a relationship._ So she shakes off the unexpected need and slides down the length of his body, a nearly-feline smile taking over her face.

For a few long seconds he loses his hold on everything except her name--which is Claudia Jean, for him, while he grips his sheets and then her hips and can barely see her through the haze in his brain.

When she falls asleep in his bed and he doesn’t wake her, that’s new. Toby makes breakfast in the morning and neither of them addresses the fact that for the first time, he didn’t want her to go. 

They carpool to the office together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary quoted from "When the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams.


	3. How I Am Sure Like Never Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you happy now? _Somebody has to look out for Toby. Toby sucks at it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 of the [broken_hearted_bard](http://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_hearted_bard) birthday week celebration! Fully in the realm of things that never happened, now. :)

Neither of them knows how, but after the first few weeks the rumor mill has gotten hold of their late nights and early mornings. _They find themselves together more nights than not--though the location varies, so they can pretend it isn’t becoming a habit._

It’s not as though they’ve never carpooled together. Their banter and casual affection on the job is exactly the same.

But **they’re not** ; not quite. And somehow people have noticed.

CJ catches Sam giving them curious looks when she stops by Toby’s office; Donna seems to be hiding a smile whenever they have lunch...but no one from the West Wing actually broaches the subject. 

Well, except Josh. _The man has no filter, and even less shame._ He aims a knowing grin her way one morning while she’s headed to her press briefing and asks, “Productive night?”

She smacks him with her briefing book and keeps walking.

_Lord knows what he’s said to Toby._

****

“I don’t know what Andy wants from me,” Toby confesses as they sprawl over his bed Sunday morning. “She says I need to be more involved, but when I try to be, it’s like I’m doing everything wrong.”

She rubs a hand over his shoulder, then lays her head on his chest. “What is it now?” 

“The twins had a checkup today. I told her I wanted to go a few weeks ago, she seemed fine with it. Then I went, and it was awful. They’re healthy, by the way,” he adds with a smile, running his fingers through her hair. 

“She just...there was a lot of, I don’t know, resentment, sniping at me in front of the pediatrician, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.”

“Mmm.” CJ has a theory as to where it might be coming from, but now is not the time. “Want me to rough her up for you?”

“Do I want you to **rough up** the woman who gave birth to my children two months ago? No, I don’t think I’ll be taking you up on that.”

She grins against him, placing a light kiss over his heart.

“I’m serious, CJ,” he adds after a moment. “The very last thing I need is for you to go start a fight with Andy. Okay? Things are fraught enough already.”

“I promise.” She traces a cross over the spot she kissed, then looks up. “But if you change your mind, just say the word, Tobus.”

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Try and stop me.”

He does. _He succeeds._

She has to move delicately at work the next day. And wear a scarf.

****

True to her word, CJ doesn’t go looking for trouble. But trouble finds her anyway. _Doesn’t it always?_

“Hey, CJ.” Andy knocks on her doorframe, carrying her lunch and a guarded expression. “Got a minute?”

“Yeah, come in.” CJ shifts her notes to the side and smiles. There’s more warrior than friend in it, now. She knows that Andy couldn’t have said yes; she completely understands why. But the cruelty in it, that wasn’t necessary. That isn’t forgivable.

_Somebody has to look out for Toby. Toby sucks at it._

“What’s up?”

“I’ve been hearing some things,” Andy says, digging into her salad. “I wanted you to know that people on the Hill are talking. About fraternization in the White House.”

“Fraternization? That’s not a word you hear every day.”

“I guess not.” Andy presses her lips together. “They’re talking about you, and Toby. You might want to be careful, being seen together too much.”

“We work together every day. Kinda hard to avoid seeing each other.”

“I mean, outside the office.”

CJ raises her eyebrows. “It’s a crime now, being friends?”

“No,” Andy says slowly, irritated. She stops eating. “But if you don’t want to give the wrong impression, adding fuel to the fire isn’t going to help.”

Tired of talking in circles, CJ stops reining in her temper. “Andy, there’s nothing that I, or anybody else, can do about gossip. Rumors are always going to fly, people are always going to insinuate whatever the hell they want. Why are you really here?”

Andy’s volume increases to match hers. “I’m here to tell you that people are talking, so you can maybe try not to be so blatant about spending time with my ex-husband. That way maybe he’ll be able to save what’s left of his reputation.”

“His reputation is fine!” For some reason, she’s more insulted on his behalf than her own. “We’re not flaunting **anything** , and he’s not the one who decided to have children and make a federal case out of it.”

Ignoring the jab, Andy catches the buried implication instead. “Not flaunting anything? There’s something to flaunt?”

Hating this conversation, worrying about the promise she made to Toby, CJ doesn’t respond. But Andy has known her for just as long as the reverse is true, and she has no trouble connecting the dots.

“Is it serious?”

“That’s really not any of your business.”

“He is the father of my children.”

“Yes, he is,” CJ agrees. She can’t keep the acid out of her tone. “Maybe you could have thought of that before **breaking his heart.** ”

She stands up, leaving her desk to open the door. “I’m done. Feel free to finish your lunch.”

Andy stares after her as CJ storms out of her own office.

_Yeah, apparently it’s pretty damn serious. When did that happen?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary quoted from "When the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams.


	4. My Reasons for Defying Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're lonely, I'll follow you _“I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, broken_hearted_bard! Here's the conclusion to your special surprise chapter fic. I rewrote the world for you. ;)

Toby hears about Andy’s visit to her office before CJ has even returned from lunch. He’s waiting there, sitting on her desk, when she enters.

She shakes her head. “Look, Toby, she came here. What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. What **did** you do?” He’s carrying that wounded expression that makes her want to hug him or slap the person who put it there. _Neither option seems feasible at the moment._

“She wanted to talk to me about people getting the wrong idea, us spending too much time together.” She edges by him and drops into her chair. “I wasn’t going to lie.”

He nods, watching Gail swim around in circles. _Around and around._

“So, you thought a screaming match in the West Wing was a better idea?”

“I didn’t get to choose the venue,” she replies. “And we weren’t actually screaming.”

“We talked about this,” he says quietly, fingers running along the edge of her desk.

“We did. And I didn’t go gunning for her, Toby. But if you expect me to pretend nothing’s happened between us, or to not defend you...you’ve got the wrong girl.”

She leans back and closes her eyes, waiting for him to leave. _Is Toby the rock, or the hard place? Does it matter when she’s stuck either way?_

He walks out without another word.

****

They spend two whole weeks not-quite-avoiding each other. Lots of memos, very tense meetings where everyone pretends they’re fine. 

CJ is waiting for him to say something--anything, even to say goodbye. She can go back to being just friends. _They’ve done it before._ But Toby is cool, remote...and noncommittal.

On the sixteenth day, though she wouldn’t admit to counting, he stops by her office when they’re the last two people working late. 

“Come with me?”

“What?” She lifts her fingers off the keyboard and looks blankly at him.

He scuffs his foot on the carpet, uncomfortable. “I asked you to come with me. Can you take a break?”

“I-I guess so. Sure.” She looks at her watch. “It’s after nine; I suppose I can tear myself away.”

She should probably be mad, holding a grudge over his silence if nothing else. But his demeanor baffles her, and CJ understands why he was upset...and most of all, she misses him. She just misses him too much to care about the rest of it.

“Where are we going?”

He ushers her out of the West Wing. “It’s a surprise.”

“Okay...”

The ride is short; he was looking for a convenient location, after all. She stares at the house while he pays the driver, and keeps staring as he comes over to lean against her from behind. 

“It’s not a bad house,” he says quietly, breathing into her hair.

“No, it’s not. It’s beautiful.”

“All right,” he decides. “Let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“In.” He takes her hand, and she follows.

****

On the floor next to the window, there’s a blanket and a bottle of wine. Toby waits while she sits down, her knees a few inches from his. Then he takes her hand again.

“I needed some time,” he begins. “I was angry, but I couldn’t figure out why. I know you said what you had to,” he adds, squeezing their linked fingers, “but I was just so angry and it didn’t make sense. Until it did.”

When he releases her hand, she can’t seem to do anything but stare at him. If he’s not mad anymore, why does he look so solemn? _Why did he bring her here?_

“I don’t want us to be a secret,” Toby tells her. 

She lets out the breath she was holding. “Neither do I.”

“Good.” He grins, like the sun breaking through storm clouds, and reaches for the wine. “Something we agree on.”

“I don’t need us to be publicly an item,” she qualifies. “But I’m really not comfortable lying about this. Not even for you.”

“Ah, a point of disagreement,” he says, raising a finger. 

CJ frowns. “You want me to lie?”

“No, not that. The first part.”

“Us...being publicly an item?”

“That’s the one.” He pours her a glass, then his own, and passes hers over. “I’d like to be very public.”

“Meaning what? I’ll put it in a press briefing?”

“Meaning you move in with me.”

CJ sets the wine glass down; her hand is shaking. “What?”

“I thought,” he says slowly, “that you could move in with me. Here. Where it all started. Well, not all,” he corrects himself. “But this time. You came here, to me, that night...because you love me.”

She nods, eyes fixed on his face. 

“I brought you here, because I love you. We already know we can stand each other’s company,” he adds quickly. “We were practically living together before, just didn’t want to admit it. I want that again, only more. I want to make it official.”

“God, Toby, tell me you didn’t--”

“I’m not proposing.” His mouth quirks, watching her exhale in relief. “Somehow I feel like this particular spot would be bad luck for that. I’m just saying, I want you here with me. I want you here.”

He scoots closer, moves her glass out of the way. “I want you.”

“Okay.” She’s nodding and kissing him and almost crying, but she’s lucky he doesn’t mention it because she has no idea why. “Okay, yes.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

****

They’ve lost most of their clothes and finished off the wine, but still haven’t moved from the blanket by the window. His overcoat is draped across her while she laughs into his shoulder.

“It’s really my greatest talent,” she tells him, tossing her hair back before curling up against him again. 

“Boy, do I know it. You could do the Jackal for me now...remember the first time?”

“Not really. I was well-sloshed. You never would’ve talked me into it otherwise.”

“Oh, I think I would have.”

“Hmm?”

“I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be.”

“I know.”

She doesn’t tell him that she loves him; _she doesn’t have to._ She lays her hand on his chest, just above his heart, and he says it back, instead.

“I love you, Claudia Jean.”

“We should go,” she murmurs, shifting closer to his warmth. “We can’t stay like this all night.”

“No, probably not.” He runs a hand down her back, leaves it there to trace a pattern with his fingertips. “But the bedroom’s pretty nice.”

“And we do have a blanket.” She looks up at him, considering.

“I’ll keep you warm.” When he smiles, something inside her tilts, and she knows that if he did ask, it wouldn’t be bad luck at all. _So it’s probably good he hasn’t._

_Yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary quoted from "When the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams.

**Author's Note:**

> A very happy almost-birthday to my [broken_hearted_bard](http://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_hearted_bard), the only reason I decided to give a deliberate AU a try. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> All titles all taken from "Eric's Song" by Vienna Teng.


End file.
